[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Someone just threatened to call me later
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
