Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
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Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.