Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
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At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
You’ll be OK
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.