Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.