Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.

Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.

Priest:

Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.