[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
You Might Also Like
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.
“Easy to use instructions.”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?