Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar