Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

😬

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though