Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place