Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

Duck typos.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.