Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[company all-hands Zoom call]

CEO: The future is ahead of us!

Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Running from your problems is cardio .

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space