Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve