Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.

Anyway he’s dead now.

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Ape together strong

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”