Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.