Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

When news reporters do sports stories

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

this is how life feels

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert