Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

is nasa ok

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink