Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?