Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

Just as the prophecy foretold

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two