Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

A dad and his duck

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.