Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔

Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down

Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket