Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
why isn’t thunder called soundning
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into