If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
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Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either