[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
The cashier just checked me out.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
