[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
