[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
