Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.