Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha