*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
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I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Sorted
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.