Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-

Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

A Match(.com), but for socks.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

lol

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating