Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?