Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied