Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I’m listening
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”