Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

the icebreaker

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.