Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
why neck hurt
How to find Kentucky on a map
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.