Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Me: Grab me the red one

Dog: Not funny

Y’all know who you are.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

*seductively peels off lederhosen

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.