Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

My dog learned how to text

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.