Plant care tips
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ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
mom had nothing to worry about
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder