Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

Tween and me: *arguing*

Husband: God, you two are just like each other.

Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?

Husband: *jumps out window*

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?