Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered