Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

This seems like peak sibling energy

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Just why bro?!

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one