plant them where lol
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INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying