plant them where lol
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
