Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
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why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
sensitive skin
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Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
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if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase