Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
