Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
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Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
WWE is French for “yes”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My patience has stretch marks.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
