Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.