Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?