Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

911: whats the emergency?

∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.

That’ll blow his Lil mind

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”