Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
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Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had