Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

doctor: what is it?

me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?

doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement