Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
You Might Also Like
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Morning my dudes.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop