Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
