Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The future is now.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it