Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
*bites zombie*
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….