Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it
I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter
She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes
Then I started to hear furniture moving
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Oh my god
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?