Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes