Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I identify as an antique shop.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.