Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive