Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.