Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
584.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.