[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
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Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?