Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?