Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

Never deleting this app.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

BaD BoY!!

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Me: Those shoes are fresh!

12: Mom. No.

Me: Don’t be whack.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.