[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.