Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

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A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

Scientist 1: I don’t care if you discovered it, we are not naming it THAT
Me: Naming what?
Scientist 2: You know what IT is.
Me: Ohhhh The Hugh Manatee

Scientists start rage screaming

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.