[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
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*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax