Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

security at the airport getting more straightforward

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.