Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
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For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”