Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
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I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?
The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!
When you put it that way… 😂
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.