[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
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I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money