Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”

“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?