Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

i would wish you the best but i am the best

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

I need a headline like this

I get distracted pretty eas

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.